Building Understanding, Resolution, and Connection in Difficult Dynamics

Executive Summary

Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, is a powerful framework for fostering empathy, insight, and constructive engagement. Rosenberg applied this framework when mediating between contentiously divorcing couples, warring gangs in Los Angeles, CA, and even small villages of Palestinians and Israelis.

In my leadership practice, I apply Rosenberg’s principles to leaders navigating challenging relationships with peers, managers, board members, and customers. I also address complex or dysfunctional political dynamics and unproductive, unresolved conflict. This white paper explores the mechanics of applying NVC and its transformative applications across varied relational situations inside organizations. It offers practical strategies for moving beyond cycles of blame, withdrawal, backchanneling, and unproductive confrontation.

Introduction

Unproductive, unresolved conflict and political polarization can undermine collaboration. They sap organizational morale and erode trust. Common responses—ranging from avoidance to aggression and passive aggression—often intensify divisions. Nonviolent Communication (NVC) introduces an effective skillset and mindset geared toward understanding the unmet needs behind challenging behaviors and dynamics. By strategically responding to others’ emotions and needs, NVC enables the dissolution of resistance and opposition, even in adversarial environments.

Principles of Nonviolent Communication

NVC for leadership dynamics is premised on several principles:

• Behaviors – ours and others’ – are largely determined by our emotions and feelings (good and bad), which can often be intuited to some degree.

• Emotions and feelings – ours and others’ – are largely determined by the degree to which our psychological needs are met (or not) within a relationship, a group setting, a culture, and even inside ourselves.

  
  

NVC for Leadership Dynamics Principles

• Unproductive behaviors in individuals often result from uncomfortable—even painful—feelings and emotions.

• Uncomfortable, painful feelings and emotions often result from unmet needs.

  
  

Psychological needs are universal among human beings. We all have basically the same set of psychological needs, though some may be more “activated” than others or “calcified” into our personalities if early life experiences systematically did not meet those needs. Marshall Rosenberg summarizes human needs to include the following:

Throughout my twenty-two years coaching leaders, I have observed that the most challenging relationships, dysfunctional politics, and unresolved conflicts often occur when individuals’ psychological needs are not being met. Colleagues find themselves in a horn-lock when they inadvertently trigger or activate each other’s unmet needs. This leads to uncomfortable emotions and, in turn, unproductive behaviors. We get stuck in destructive patterns—criticism, defensiveness, back-channeling, exclusion, stonewalling, and contempt—if we respond only at the level of behavior.

There Is Another Way

NVC can break these destructive patterns when we choose not to respond to tricky interactions at the level of behavior. Instead, we try to see through others’ unproductive behaviors into the uncomfortable emotions and unmet needs behind them. Then we work to meet the other’s needs in respectful, nuanced ways, and very quickly their unproductive behaviors evaporate.

Here are four simple steps:

1. Spend time outside the interaction or relationship to develop insight into the emotions associated with the other person’s unproductive behavior and the unmet needs behind those emotions.

2. Generate respectful actions, statements, and mindsets that will systematically meet the other person’s needs and trigger more positive emotions.

3. Incorporate these into daily interactions with the colleague alone or in group settings.

4. Halt your own instantaneous reactive behaviors (perfectly legitimate, though they may be) in tricky interactions. Pause. Find a way to meet the person’s unmet needs on the spot. See what happens.

   
   

Case Study: CEO & Board Member

Consider a situation my former client—the CEO of a mid-sized PE-owned financial services company—encountered with one of his Board members. The CEO—let’s call him Joe—shared that one Board member—let’s call him Bruce—behaved differently toward him than the others did in Board meetings.

Joe reported that Bruce challenged almost everything he said or shared in the Board deck with an aggressive, nearly hostile tone. He even seemed to turn personal at times, which outraged Joe—understandably. Joe felt a strong headwind from Bruce, which was especially hard since there were already so many challenges in the business. Joe was hoping for strategic wisdom and support from Board members. Instead, he felt he received the opposite from Bruce, and it was exhausting him. He wished he could just remove Bruce from the Board altogether.

I conducted a confidential 360 interview for Joe with Bruce. Bruce said that Joe had not listened to or executed his feedback. He felt Joe did not involve him in the work that needed to be done. Bruce perceived Joe as both defensive and over-confident, essentially dismissing any of his input. In our interview, it was clear to me that behind Bruce’s words were feelings of anger, if not outrage and contempt.

It was evident that Joe and Bruce were triggering each other. Their relationship was nearly at an impasse.

Solution

Since Joe had no authority over Bruce, I suggested he try the NVC method to see if he could amend the relationship. Because I could not share Bruce’s confidential feedback with Joe, I instead facilitated Joe to reverse-engineer Bruce’s behaviors to uncover the uncomfortable emotions and unmet needs behind them.

Through a detailed discussion of Bruce’s meeting behaviors (following my explanation of universal human needs), Joe hypothesized that Bruce had unmet needs in the following areas: to be heard, valued, respected, deemed important, and included. We then devised simple actions and statements that could meet these needs, including:

• Call Bruce between Board meetings and ask for his input on an issue in the business.

• Make statements such as, “I hear what you are saying,” and then repeat what Bruce said to confirm understanding.

• Thank Bruce at the end of the call and say something like, “I appreciate your perspective.”

• Discuss the Board deck with Bruce before the next Board meeting and seek his input; make any adjustments that can reasonably be made.

• At the Board meeting, confirm receipt of Bruce’s input, summarize it, and express appreciation for it even if Joe disagrees with it.

  
  

Result

Joe leveraged several of the above techniques. By the end of their first call between Board meetings, Bruce had changed his tone nearly 180 degrees. Joe reported with disbelief, “He is really a nice guy and I actually kind of like him!” This made the next Board meeting much more palatable for Joe and easier for the entire group.

Unfortunately, this result was short-lived because Joe only implemented the technique once or twice. Not surprisingly, both returned to the former oppositional pattern over time. It is absolutely essential to incorporate NVC techniques into one’s leadership practice on an ongoing basis rather than just once or twice. NVC must become a lens—a way of thinking and interacting with others—for it to work.

When a leader embodies this sophisticated approach, it is extremely powerful. It cuts through blockages, dysfunctional behaviors, resistance, and frustration, moving everyone and the entire business forward toward achieving goals.

Best Practices for Implementing NVC

• Model the process: Leaders and facilitators can embody NVC, leveraging active and affirming listening skills first and foremost while often affirming others’ value.

• Develop insight: Reverse-engineer (in private) from one’s own and others’ challenging behaviors to the uncomfortable emotions and unmet needs behind them.

• Create a “psychological needs map” for the individuals within one’s political landscape based on empathic, non-judgmental observation.

• Have compassion for others’ emotions and trigger points. Understand that we all have them, and we can all “behave badly” at times.

• Generate actions, statements, and behaviors that meet others’ individual needs: implement them daily to build up “needs-meeting relationship equity.”

• Practice the pause: Instead of knee-jerk reactions to others’ triggering behaviors, practice pausing. This may be the most difficult piece to master.

• Manage your nervous system: Using a practice such as Emotional Freedom Techniques, meditation, or Somatic Experiencing can help us pop right out of fight-flight-freeze, returning us to balance and a feeling of being grounded and centered.

• Respond to a tricky interaction only when one’s own emotions are deactivated.

  
  

The Future of NVC in an Increasingly Stressful Workplace

As the workplace becomes more pressured, NVC offers a pathway beyond stalemate when stakes are high and people are stressed. Its tools do not erase differences but foster the conditions for constructive engagement. NVC can transform “impossible” conflicts into opportunities for connection and innovation.

Conclusion and Recommendations

Nonviolent Communication is more than a set of techniques; it is a philosophy that values the humanity of all participants. By shifting the focus from blame and positions to feelings and needs, NVC enables individuals and groups to navigate even the most challenging relationships and conflicts with grace and resilience. For lasting impact:

• Integrate NVC training into organizational onboarding and leadership development.

• Engage NVC relationship coaching before people move beyond the point of no return.

• Develop a mindset of empathy and humility. Our own and others’ “calcified unmet needs” in our personalities reflect scar tissue left behind from difficult life experiences. It’s universal.

  
  

Nonviolent Communication is not a panacea, but it offers a crucial set of tools for any individual or organization seeking to move beyond deadlock, foster collaboration, and build a more compassionate culture.